my story

It all started with a diet. It started with the idea that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or worth love. In the beginning, it started as eating “clean,” but then I began to measure every single bite that went into my mouth, then I started weighing myself, which turned into weighing myself over 5 times a day, and over the summer before sophomore year of high school I had lost so much weight that I needed to buy new uniforms because my other ones were too big.  I got so many compliments when I went back to school about how amazing I looked and that just fed the fire. Sadly, I spiraled out of control into a full-blown blown eating disorder. I suffered from severe anorexia and bulimia. When you suffer from an eating disorder you aren’t intentionally saying I don’t want to eat. It’s definitely a mental disorder and it’s about way more than just food. Food is just the thing I could control and it was my coping mechanism. My sophomore year was the worst year of my life. I hated who I was, but hid everything because I thought that I always had to be "happy." I was always trying to cheer others up and be the life of the party, even though deep-inside I was completely broken. It took some time for my family to realize what was going on, but they were the ones that forced me to get help. I finally started to see a therapist (even though I went in kicking and screaming) because I felt like it was "weak" to ask for help. I never thought that I would be the one to struggle, I always prided myself on being strong, but it took an eating disorder for me to realize that those who can admit they are weak are truly strong. One day, I came home my senior year of high school and told my parents, through sobbing tears, that I didn't want to live anymore and that I was terrified. I told them I didn't have a plan, but I can remember crumbling to the floor weeping in their arms. The depression and anxiety was so overhwleming from the eating disorder that I wanted to give up. My parents were incredible and swept me off the floor and stood beside me every step of the way. Their belief that I could beat the disorder was one of the sparks that set me on the road to recovery. My recovery story isn’t linear, I had many ups and downs, but honestly I can say that therapy was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can vividly remember one day sitting with my counselor and she was really honest with me. She said, "Brooke, this is life or death. If you keep going this route you are going to die." That day, December 10th, 2013 was the day I committed to never purge again and put the eating disorder thoughts behind me. I wish I could say it was easy and I never relapsed, but that's not the case. I never threw up intentionally again, but the days of not wanting to eat still haunted me. The more and more I leaned into God, the more He began to heal me and take away my pain. 

I was so sick that doctors told me that I would never recover from my disorder, but God had other plans. He has healed me completely from my eating disorder and brought me out of my brokenness to share my story with others. People always ask if I would change my past and my answer is always no. God allowed my to walk through that pain, so I could understand the hope and fullness that is found in Him. 

Flash forward to today and I can tell you that there is freedom through our brokenness; through our eating disorders,  addictions, depression and anxiety.

For when I am weak, then I am strong. There are days now that I still struggle with lies that I am not good enough, but I always go back to His Word and have faith that if He can love me at my most broken state, He can continue and will continue to love me. I’ve dealt with all of it, but I couldn’t have healed unless I admitted that I needed help. I wouldn’t be where I am at in life today without the support of my family, friends, and most importantly God. I want everyone to know that we can break the societal norms of what “pretty is” and start sharing our stories so people don’t feel alone. Because I have found healing and continue to grow in it, I want to share my story with as many people as I can. I aspire to remind everyone that they were created for a purpose and that God loves them in their most broken state.